Day 348: Todd Creager
“I think a lot of people are in their heads a lot trying to live out some kind of script that other people made for them. I think once you start to tune in to “What is it that’s going on in my belly? What’s going on in my heart?” that’s the beginning of finding where your inspiration is.”
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Toni Reece: Thank you so much, Todd, for agreeing to be part of this Project, and before we begin, can you please introduce yourself?
Todd Creager: Yes. I’m glad to be part of your show and your Project. My name is Todd Creager, and I am a marriage and sex therapist, and I’ve been practicing for 28 years. I’ve recently written a book called The Long, Hot Marriage where I inspire couples in the book that they can actually go beyond what they think, that they can have passion and that they can have aliveness and sexuality for the length of their marriage. And that’s it – my book can be seen on my website called thelonghotmarriage.com.
Toni: Well thank you, Todd, and you’ve touched on the very first question, which is, when you think about inspiration, who do you inspire and how does that happen?
Todd: Well, you know, being that I have found this niche – as I’ve been in this practice for 28 years of couples – that I’ve become really, really intrigued by how stuck people get and how they underestimate their own power to make a change. And typically because they’re in this position of feeling like a victim, they’re waiting for their partner to change.
So I get excited about inspiring couples to take their power back; that if they start to go from either self-protection – where they try to protect themselves from being rejected – to courage – when they reach out where maybe they want to run so they can start making a big difference in the relationship – that they have the power to begin the process of upward spiral where they can start to connect with their partner.
Toni: So you talk about this, how you inspire, one of the ways is to go from rejection to courage. Can you give an example of that?
Todd: Sure. Let’s say I have a couple in my office and they’re distressed, they’re angry. They may have not talked for a week, sometimes that happens, but definitely have not touched sometimes for weeks and weeks and months. What I may have them do is I’ll say, “Look at your partner right now, and tell your partner how he feels.”
“I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see him.”
I say, “I understand that” and I gently encourage them to look. Even just looking sometimes in the eyes, it brings up courage, because we all are trying to protect ourselves. When we’re angry, what we’re really doing is we’re protecting ourselves from a partner who we’re perceiving as an enemy.
So as they in my office start to look at their partner as if they’re not an enemy, they feel that way, it begins to shake things up a little bit. They start to feel softer towards their partner. It does take courage, and usually I say to them, “If you want something different than what you’ve had, try something new.”
And I see them do it – 99 times out of 100, they will look at the person, they will express … I may tell them, “As you’re telling your partner what you feel, hold his hand.” A lot of times there’s resistance, but they do it and they start to find that, oh, this didn’t kill me, and that it does take courage. Then things start to shift.
Toni: So how does this type of work help people to explore their potential?
Todd: Well, that’s a great question. You know, one of the things that I always say is if a person is meditating on the Himalayas and they’re very peaceful, but then they go down to the Indian village where it’s real dense and somebody elbows them in the ribs, if they stay peaceful then, now that’s really saying something.
So if you’re in a relationship, of course your buttons are going to be pushed – your fear buttons, your hurt buttons, your anger buttons. If a person despite that can still stay connected to look at their partner, to talk to their partner, to practice nonreactivity, that’s when their potential starts getting met. The more people practice nonreactivity, the more they have choices.
Like I said, there’s nothing that’s more of a button-pusher, I think, than being in a committed relationship. So once you can learn to not go with your automatic, self-protective fight or flight reaction and instead keep your heart open – I’ll even ask people to do that, to open their hearts – to me, that’s when you’re really practicing discovering the love, courage, and the personal power that you have.
Toni: It’s interesting. I would imagine that opening up your heart can help you explore your potential, not just in this relationship issue that you’re dealing with, but I can imagine that would absolutely overflow into most every area that you’re dealing with.
Todd: Absolutely. And one of the things that I use as I say this to people that this will be extrapolated to other areas of your life. The person is opening their heart to their partner … they may go, if they’re the owner of a business, go back to their business, and suddenly, they’re not being as judgmental of their employees that may be underachieving. They may respond differently in a way and suddenly, surprisingly to their delight, the employee starts to stop underachieving and starts to perform better. So it does happen like that all the time.
Toni: So Todd, what inspires you?
Todd: For me, the most important thing is the sense of purpose. In doing this interview with you, for example, I was kind of looking forward … I was excited about it because if this message can get out there, that’s very meaningful to me.
Writing my book, The Long Hot Marriage, which, you know, writing a book is a tough task, but it was very meaningful for me to get out my message to more people that maybe will come into my practice. So that is the most important aspect of what inspires me.
Now, the other thing, too, is that if I really see that it’s going to be of benefit and the end result is going to be something that’s really beneficial to me or people around me, I’m sure that will inspire me, too.
Toni: Now, you said … one of the very first things that you said as far as what inspires you is a sense of purpose, and this has been a running theme through the Get Inspired! Project. Actually, it didn’t start out this way, but it’s just been running rampant through it.
That sense of purpose, not everybody can get to that, and it seems to be this key that sometimes is … people cannot grasp it, and yet it’s so important. And a lot of people that are part of the Get Inspired! Project speak to how important it is to have that sense of purpose. But from your perspective, Todd, how do people figure out what that is?
Todd: That is such a great question. You know, how I want to answer that – it just came to me – is that when I was younger, when I was going through college, I was pre-med and I applied to med schools. It turns out, long story short, I didn’t get in. When I got the last rejection, I was surprisingly so happy, you know? I go, “Why am I happy? I’ve been looking at this for six years or whatever, and I’m happy?”
Well, what was going on was I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I think a lot of people are in their heads a lot trying to live out some kind of script that other people made for them. I think once you start to tune in to “What is it that’s going on in my belly? What’s going on in my heart?” that’s the beginning of finding where your inspiration is. And I don’t think a lot of people, especially men, go around experiencing what they’re feeling in their bodies.
When I started to think about taking classes in psychology, I got all excited. I mean, I never felt that way about organic chemistry. But I didn’t know to look until it kind of caught me by surprise. The best thing I can say to people is pay attention to what your heart feels like and your belly feels like. Ask your belly. Consult your belly and your heart. What is it that if you did that thing, whatever that thing is, that you’d be elated, that you’d be thrilled?
Sometimes they don’t know yet quickly how to answer that question, but they hang with the question long enough and they tune into the body, something might pop into their head. Something small, even, could be the beginning. “Oh God, I really want to do kayaking. I’ve never thought about that, but I saw someone in an ad kayaking, and I want to do that.” That to me is the beginning of how they begin to find their own inner promptings.
Toni: Thank you for that. That’s great advice. And when you think about your own potential, what are you doing now to continue to explore your own potential?
Todd: Well, it’s probably a few things. My life is set up where I’m constantly not in my comfort zone a whole lot. I’m constantly leaving the comfort zone, and I think that’s where you develop your own potential, when you’re on your edge.
One of the things I do every Sunday is I play softball, and even though that’s a great recreation, for whatever reason, that puts me on the edge. That’s where my fear comes up. That’s where my performance anxiety comes up, and that’s … again, when you’re on your edge is when you begin to break through. I’ve been finding that I’ve been really working on it and learning to live in the present moment and be open to what’s going on and to enjoy the game, rather than perform.
So that’s one way that I do that, and I’m doing great. I’m playing better than I ever have, and I think it’s not because I’m a better softball player, it’s because I’m overcoming the fear of doing things poorly and just loving the challenge of overcoming that fear.
But also my practice, getting on radio, TV, constantly challenging myself in that way. My marriage and family definitely, but the other thing that I’m really trying to do more and more is have more quiet moments. Meditating and, again, sitting quietly, which I used to do and I stopped doing, and now I’m getting back to doing it again, because I think that too is where I get to experience my own self, and maybe something else might pop up unexpected where I could again explore my own potential.
Toni: And I have to tell you, Todd, that I have … I can’t let this go or I would implode, but the way that you stated as far as exploring your own potential and correlating it to the softball game, is that you said, “enjoy the game rather than perform” – that’s awesome! That just goes perfectly with everything you’ve talked about.
Todd: Yeah, I know. That’s it right there, isn’t it? It’s amazing. I mean, I’ve actually been experiencing some fluidity in playing, because it just doesn’t matter. I’ve been playing and running and catching and throwing and it’s not that I’m playing well – I am playing well, but the key is that sense of freedom of just self-expression on the field. It’s just kind of interesting.
Toni: It is. It’s really something. That was perfect, absolutely perfect. Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your insights on inspiration and purpose. We will have a link at the bottom of the transcript on how people can find your book and your website, and for just taking part in the Get Inspired! Project, we cannot thank you enough.
Todd: You’re very welcome.
Toni: Take care, Todd.
Todd: Take care.
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For more information about Todd Creager: www.ToddCreager.com
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