Day 279: Elizabeth Bennett
“And a lot of times, too, when you put it in terms of abuse, that’s when you really start seeing the changes in the mindset. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. When you put it like that, many times they say ‘Wow, I never thought of it that way, but you’re right, this is abuse.’”
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Toni Reece: Thank you so much, Elizabeth, for agreeing to be part of the Project today, and before we begin, can you please introduce yourself?
Elizabeth Bennett: My name is Elizabeth Bennett, and I’m the author of Peer Abuse No More: Bullying From the Psychological Perspective, and I help those and help them to see that bullying is outright abuse, and it needs to be … you know, we need to start seeing it as abuse.
Toni: Well, Elizabeth, when you think of that word inspiration and that work that you’re doing, who do you think you inspire, and how does that happen?
Elizabeth: I think the people I inspire … well, mostly anybody that’s trying to get interested in the subject or to learn about it, but I think those too … you know, the other adult survivors like myself who try to, you know, overcome these obstacles and try and educate people. Because a lot of times with adult survivors, many of them have buried these memories and things, and it’s important to make them aware so they can start healing themselves; because I have many come to me and say “Wow, I never thought about it this way” or “Wow, I’ve finally taken inventory of myself and looked at what it’s done to me, really, things I have tried not to think about” and things like that.
You know, many times they don’t want to talk about what has happened because, you know, they’ve always been taught “This is a fact of life, you’ve got to learn to live with it.” But when something hurts a person and affects them like this does, it’s not something anybody should be living with. You know, you’ve got other forms of abuse and people have laws and they act and things like that, but with this, it’s just a joke.
Toni: Well, it sounds to me as well that what you’re doing is you’re giving people permission, letting them know that it’s okay to talk about it.
Elizabeth: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You need to talk about it. People need to have conversations about this problem, because that’s how people get educated or start to realize that when you talk about it and when you open up … I’ve shared my story, and I know it’s helped other people come to realize that “Hey, wow, this really does mess up people.”
Toni: Well, let’s go with that. When you realize how this bullying impacts other people, by shining a spotlight on other people and giving them a voice to it and permission to speak about it, how do you think then that that helps them to explore their own potential?
Elizabeth: I think it helps them to start getting realistic about it and maybe doing things themselves that they can work on to overcome this problem, and it helps people to see that it can be done. You know, you can live a decent life by overcoming this, and you just have to … since this is not considered a problem sometimes, you have to take it in your own hands. I don’t recommend that for everybody, but it takes time, but it can be done, and I think seeing that it can be done can encourage them to do that themselves.
Toni: So really, the potential comes from the potential of what’s possible, that it is possible for them to make a choice to get help, and that they don’t have to be the victim of this terrible abuse anymore. Gosh, I can imagine that once that choice is made to change that situation, that potential becomes limitless, doesn’t it?
Elizabeth: Yes, and I think, too, people are learning that this is not excusable any more, that it’s a serious problem and it affects people seriously. I think with that I see a lot more open up and say “Hey, this happened to me” and “I’ve seen this” and “I don’t like it happening to someone else.” People are not shutting them up like they used to.
I mean, you used to talk about it, you were called a sissy, you were called a baby, a crybaby, and now people have kind of refrained from that and become a little more empathetic towards people who are dealing with this.
Toni: So Elizabeth, what inspires you?
Elizabeth: Well, let me think. Hard work and basically just seeing people talk about this, you know, opening up, sharing about it, it makes me work harder. It makes me see that, you know, wow, people are listening, and I want people to hear the message. This is not acceptable, and seeing people do that and try to empathize … I mean, I’m like “Wow, they’re starting to get it.”
And a lot of times, too, when you put it in terms of abuse, that’s when you really start seeing the changes in the mindset. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. When you put it like that, many times they say “Wow, I never thought of it that way, but you’re right, this is abuse.”
This is abuse like rape or domestic or any of the others out there. But it’s a matter of getting people to that mindset, because I feel like we’re still in the bullying, let’s hurry up and stop it stage, and we’ve got to move past … I guess what I’m saying is become more abstract with it maybe.
Toni: How did you become so brave to throw a light on such an issue?
Elizabeth: Well, it’s funny. I lived it for 27 years. I know exactly what it did to me, and I basically back in the 90s started working on it. I’d seen the term “peer abuse” in an article and I was like “Wow, that kind of sounds familiar.” There were very few at the time really talking about it, and I just kind of formulated my own theories and did a lot of observational research, and you know, a lot of things people do that they don’t realize they’re doing, and how it, you know, affects people around them.
Our behavior affects everybody we’re in contact with. You know, if we’re angry, it’s going to affect the people around us, and this is no different. I was seeing how people without even trying, they were pulling some of this with jokes and things, and I just started formulating from there. And when the internet came, that became a gold mine for this. I went “Wow, I can really get going here.”
Since 2002, I’ve been doing it on my own through all of these avenues, and it’s been a real healing experience for me too, because I was still … and I’m still healing. I’m probably going to be healing the rest of my life, but I’ve come to a point now where the anger’s gone, and the frustration and a lot of the abnormal thinking. I’ve learned to adjust and learned to see things a lot more clearly than I used to and have been learning a lot healthier social skills, because that’s a big problem in this.
If you’re being abused like that, you’re not going learn healthy interactions with people – it’s not going to happen. You know, we always say “Oh, this person’s crazy” or “This person’s nuts.” Well, what makes them that way? How did they get to that point? People aren’t born “nuts.” You see what I’m saying? It’s learned. They’ve gotten it somewhere, and I think a lot of times it’s through this. This is why I’m saying it’s so important.
There was a study back in, oh gosh, maybe three or four years ago that 70% of Americans are considered rude, you know, and the mentally ill, I think, was another variable there, that 70% of the population is mentally ill – and I’m saying what has made us that way? What has brought us to 70% … I mean, that’s high. You know, imagine all the people as survivors running around. I just think a lot of these are probably survivors, because you’re not going to learn, you know, healthy interactions or healthy relationships if you go through this.
Toni: So really you were inspired to change your life, and you worked very hard on your own to learn and research and observe and become educated on this particular project?
Elizabeth: Yes, yes. I lived it, and now I’m trying to help people overcome it.
Toni: And so that’s what you find inspiring for yourself?
Elizabeth: Pretty much, yes. It’s education. That’s the bottom line in all of this. You know, people want answers. In order to understand, in order to solve something, don’t you have to understand it?
Toni: I would imagine. I would imagine you would.
Elizabeth: You know, because we get frustrated, we get angry – the school won’t do anything, our boss won’t do anything, and it’s just a matter of well, do they know how to do it? We’re finding a lot of this, and I think that’s what we need to start seeing, you know, that a lot more can be done and it starts with education.
Toni: So what are you doing to explore your own potential so that you can continue to learn about the impact that this has had on your life and how you can also then share that knowledge with others?
Elizabeth: Basically I will continue … it just is a never-ending process. I do what I can, you know, every day to get out there and plant a seed anywhere I can to where these things … because I’m to where now I can see it without anybody even having to tell me what happened, because it’s just been happening over and over and over again. You know, when people don’t see it, I just try to stop by and say “Hey, look at this person.”
I was talking with someone last week about … I’m not going to mention the case, but it’s someone who is in prison for murder and who I have questioned … you know, who I think is innocent; again, I’m not calling names. I was talking to some people, her supporters, and I had mentioned to them, you know, they were going around, “Why didn’t this person say this, why didn’t this person say this,” and I said, “Here’s what’s missing here. You’re not even looking at this other person. This is the person that I think was the root of all of it.” They’re like “Wow, I never looked at it that way.” I think, you know, by doing that, it’s helping people to see these things and educate, and that’s all it takes is just planting the seed sometimes.
Toni: Well, Elizabeth, I can’t thank you enough for being as honest as you have about your own situation, but also what you’ve learned and how you’re doing this on your own, and I think that’s important for people to hear and to understand that you are doing this on your own, one seed at a time for yourself, but also for others. And we will have a way for people to see the website that you’ve created and possibly participate in that.
Elizabeth: Yes, please, I invite anybody to leave comments.
Toni: Okay, okay. Well, Elizabeth, thank you so very much, and we wish you the very, very best, and thank you for being part of this Project.
Elizabeth: Thank you and good luck.
Toni: Thank you, Elizabeth. Take care of yourself.
Elizabeth: You too.
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For more information about Elizabeth Bennett: www.peerabuse.blogspot.com
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User Comments
Patrick Harnish
On August 2, 2010 at 8:41 pm
She is correct, we are survivors, and she did inspire me to open up and talk a ton. Through that, and some outreaching, I have developed a method to help these kids not just to learn to deal with it, but to get rid of it. Van der Kolk did most of the work for this process years ago, and some a few years back explaining the physiology of abuse. However, there are unanswered questions, one is how to stop the spatial borrowing in the mind after the trauma has been dealt with and effectively tagged to the long term memory. A person can get the plaguing flashbacks to stop, but the spaciness they developed over years from the abuse and traumas, is not that easy to resolve. If I could rid that I would be the happiest person in the world. I find it a personal mission to find this answer, and will do what it takes to find it, because it will have beneficence to others that are going through it.
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