Day 182: Steve Dorfman

March 31, 2010 at 12:01 am, Category: Inspiration

“… as human beings, I think that a lot of us may not realize it, but that is I think one of the biggest ways, if not the biggest way, to bring joy into your life — to be a part of something that’s bigger than just yourself.”

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Toni Reece: Thank you so much, Steve, for agreeing to be part of the Project today, and before we begin, can you introduce yourself?

Steve Dorfman: Sure, Toni.   I am honored to be a part of this Project and be among so many great people.  So to introduce myself, I am Steve Dorfman with Driven to Excel.  I’m a Chief Impeccability Officer, and what that means is I help people individually and with organizations to impeccably align everything they do with their mission.

Toni: Well thank you for that.  And Steve, when you think about that word inspiration, who do you think you inspire, and how do you do that?

Steve: You know, it’s interesting – I don’t know that any of us will ever know how many and who we’re inspiring, and I think that’s really cool.  I think that even those folks that sort of are introverted or don’t even think of themselves that way, there are people they’re inspiring.  And so to think of it for myself, who do I inspire, I’d like to think that I inspire everybody that I come in contact with.

I think that simply by having a smile on your face and really just seeing everybody as their highest self and not judging by the little bit that we might know, or even a lot that we might know about a person.  If we can see everyone as their highest self, I think that what will end up happening is that we’ll put ourselves in a place where we’ll end up inspiring that person because it’s how we see them.

Toni: So really, you keep yourself in a good place with the energy and smiles and lack of judgment that you pass on to others, and I would imagine that that lifts them to a good place.

Steve: Yeah, I believe it does, and I bet it irritates some people.

Toni: How do you think it irritates people?

Steve: Well, because I think there are some people who just … I don’t know if they believe it or they crave it, or there’s this … the term “misery loves company” comes to mind.  Like I just think there are some people that are annoyed by happy people.

Toni: That sounds like a bumper sticker to me.  “Some people are just annoyed by happy people.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.  So I mean … but those are the exception.  I don’t think that’s the rule.

Toni: I would have to agree with you.  So how do you help other people explore their own potential?

Steve: I think it starts by again seeing them as their highest self.  I think that a lot of times we put limitations on others and, you know, based on how they’re showing up for us.  And I think a lot of that has to do with the first impression.  So for instance, if we have heard a little bit about a person or if we maybe visited their website before meeting them, or if we just sort of saw them and, you know, made sort of our assessment in a few seconds, then all those things are going to sort of color the relationship from that point forward.

So I think if we can just let go of all that stuff and see the other person as their highest self, then I think you’re setting the groundwork for, you know, just the higher level of inspiration and a higher level of relationships.

Toni: Now, can you help me understand what you mean by showing your highest self?  Can you help me understand what you mean by highest self?

Steve: Yeah.  What I mean by that is I feel that everybody – and you might have to dig deep with some people – but I think inherently people are good, and I think people mean well, and people intend well.  Not everybody shows up that way, and everybody’s got their reasons for that.  It might be nervousness; it might be lack of self-confidence.

There’s a number of reasons I think why sometimes people don’t show up in a way that is inspiring to us, and I think that once you … if you take the time to really get to know somebody, a lot of times you’ll find just sort of the hidden treasure inside, and I really do feel like that lies … that’s I think, inherently, that’s just who we are as human beings.  I think we’re a good … there’s good at the core.

Toni: And so, is the work that you do or the way that you come at working on your relationships or meeting people is if maybe they don’t know … they’re not at that place of being at their highest self, and so you are trying to uncover those hidden treasures so that they can be best they can be.  Or is it that you just accept them the way they are, and maybe by that relationship-building you will help them get to that higher level?

Steve: I think both things that you just said.  I think that you just sort of have to let go of any preconceived notions, any pre-judgment, anything you’ve heard about a person, and I think just believe in the person.  I think that if you start there, that just sort of by default you’ll help bring out the best in them because of how you’re seeing them and how you’re letting go of these things that can … and believe me, I’m not like … I’m not perfect at this.  This is something I aspire to become better at every day, to let go of those things so that I can bring out … so that I can see in the person really who they are at the core, which I believe is good with everybody, and then maybe help them to see that for themselves.

I think that’s actually something that’s really neat, because I think that a lot of us are quite insecure in a lot of areas.  And it takes another person to sort of say “You know, you’ve got this unique ability to do X, Y, Z, and I don’t know if anybody’s ever told you that or not, but it’s really something, and you have a gift there.”  Sometimes it takes sharing that with a person for them to even see it for themselves, and maybe you have to hear it over and over again for years and years before it finally sinks in.

Toni: That’s a pretty nice way to be with people, and Steve, let me ask you, what do you need to be inspired?

Steve: What do I need to be inspired?  The first thing that came to mind, Toni, is joy, happiness.  Like when somebody enters the room – this is what I love about my girlfriend – she’s just like naturally happy all the time.  It’s what attracted me to her in the beginning, and that’s what keeps me attracted to her every day.

And so that’s what really inspires me about people is the people that can be light and not sweat the small stuff, and have this sense of freedom, and just realize that like in the big scheme of things, it’s really … life is just about finding joy and putting yourself in a joyful state, and if you can do that, then I think naturally I think you’re going to bring that into every room, every situation, every relationship.  Like I said, there’s always going to be a few people that are annoyed by that, and that’s okay.  They’ll come around eventually, hopefully.

Toni: So have you always been this way, Steve?  Have you always come to the table knowing that you have to be in  a joyful state – not have to, but that you want to be in a joyful state, and that you just want to be happy, and has this always been something that you’ve known?

Steve: I think deep down I probably did, but I don’t think that … I don’t think that I’ve always maybe believed it or practiced it as much as I do know.  In fact, when I was a kid, my mom used to say to me “You just look like you’re angry at the world.”  (Thanks, Mom.)  Because I would have a look on my face like … I don’t know if I just looked serious or pensive or, you know, what it was, but for several years as a kid I don’t think I looked all that joyful.  Maybe I was inside, but I can’t remember displaying it on the outside.

To answer your question, I think it’s something that I’ve … I work on it every day, and it’s something that I probably really run into my life over about the last four years.

Toni: And that’s the … the reason that I ask the question this way is because a lot of people that listen to the interview or read the transcript, there seems to be people that are showing up with this sense of purpose or passion, and you speak about something that is very important to you, which is being happy.

So the question then becomes, did you always know this, or was there … has there just been a process as you’ve gotten older, or was there a turning point, an event, a spot in time where you said “You know what?  That’s it.  I choose to be this way and not this way anymore.”

Steve: Gosh, I don’t know that there was just one thing.  I think it’s been a number of things.  I’ve introduced a number of mentors into my life that have all shown up with the same message in one way or another, and it’s sort of what you just said, that it’s a choice, like happiness is a choice.

Toni: So you really … one of the resources that you had were mentors.

Steve: Absolutely.  Absolutely.  Whether it be an author, or maybe it was somebody who does television programs, or somebody who does, you know, audio books or, you know, CDs of their seminars or whatever it may be.  There are a number of people that I feel are all sort of putting the same message out there, and they would all agree that happiness is a choice.

Toni: So what do you do to continue to explore your own potential so that you can continue to work on this, on this process of being happy and always … and living in a state of joy, and also the work that you do; what do you do to continue to explore your own potential?

Steve: I think that it’s important that we think about what it is that brings us joy, and really make sure that we include those things in our lives on a regular basis.  So for some people that might mean owning a cat; for other people it might mean being around children.  For other people, it might mean getting together with their friends on a regular basis.  I’m going to dinner tonight with my girlfriend and my cousin and his wife, and my cousin and his wife have been married for about 10 years now, and they go to date night every Thursday night.  They have two little ones, but they commit to this date night every Thursday night and so, you know, they know that that brings them balance and it brings them joy, and so it’s something that they’ve turned into a ritual.

So I think anytime you can find something like that and practice something like that, make it a ritual.  Because sometimes if we just sort of get away from those things that we know bring us joy and we just get busy with life, that we’re just robbing ourselves from those sorts of best practices for living.

Toni: Steve, how do you think the way you come at your need to be inspired or what you need to be inspired, how you explore your own potential, does that ever spill into your work life and the work you do?

Steve: How do you mean?

Toni: Well, if you’re exploring your potential by making sure that you need to know what it is that brings you joy, and to be in front of that on a regular basis and to have that balance and practice the techniques that bring you happiness and so forth, and these are the things that inspire you as well, and I’m wondering if this is all very personal, and I’m wondering if it ever correlates for you into what you do for your job?

Steve: Yeah, I don’t see how it couldn’t.  I think that especially with what I do.  What I do involves a lot of coaching and training and team exercises and that type of thing, so you know, I have to tell you, we’re just about to read a book that I think will help to answer this question.

There’s a book called Drive by Dan Pink, and what he talks about in the book is that there are three intrinsic motivators that we have as human beings.  And this sort of goes against what a lot of people believe, because a lot of people believe that we’re motivated by incentives; so it’s the old carrot and stick, you know, “Do this and you’ll get paid.  Don’t do it, and you might get fired or punished or whatever, poked with the stick.”

So he says that the three intrinsic motivators that we have are autonomy, mastery, and purpose.  And so I think this speaks a little bit to your question, just sort of generally speaking, because everybody finds joy in different ways.  But I think, you know, when you look at it professionally and with teams of people, you know, what brings people joy in the workplace, I believe is the three things that he talks about in the book.

Autonomy, meaning feeling like you don’t have to necessarily be answering to somebody all the time, that you’ve got some control and some say in what you’re doing, and you can be creative on your own.

And then mastery; the way he talks about mastery is interesting, because it’s like, you know, you’re never going to … well, if you reach a level of mastery, then it’s sort of no longer challenging, so it’s actually better that the brass ring is always sort of just past the fingertips and you’re always grabbing for it, because then you’re just on this journey instead of ever reaching the destination, so that’s the mastery part.

And then purpose, meaning you feel as if you’re a part of something bigger than yourself.  And as human beings, I think that a lot of us may not realize it, but that is I think one of the biggest ways, if not the biggest way, to bring joy into your life — to be a part of something that’s bigger than just yourself.

Toni: And I would have to agree with you, and I know that the final question was how do you explore your own potential, and it became really clear to me that I would imagine that the whole focus of this inspiration Project interview with you has been around happiness and joy and sharing that with other people, so I wanted to make sure that I gave you the opportunity to speak about how that may spill over into the work that you do, and you explained that beautifully.

So I can’t thank you enough, Steve, for coming to the Project and taking part in it.  We will put a link as to how people can learn a little bit more about what you do at the bottom of the interview, and for being here today, we thank you so very much.

Steve: Thank you, Toni.  You know, what you’re doing, obviously, I was thinking of you in this Project on that last part when I was talking about purpose and being a part of something that’s bigger than yourself, and I would imagine that because of this Project you’re bringing a great amount of joy into your life.

Toni: Oh, in ways that I can’t even put into words, so you’re absolutely right.  Absolutely.

Steve: That’s wonderful.

Toni: Thank you so much, Steve.

Steve: Thank you so much, Toni, for including me.

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For more information about Steve Dorfman:  www.driventoexcel.com

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