Day 160: Evelyn Kalinosky

March 9, 2010 at 12:01 am, Category: Featured, Inspiration

“… what I’m discovering is that we won’t allow ourselves to become invisible and, by doing that, I think we’re going to pave the way for our younger generation of women.  We’ll be trailblazers to help life for them be a lot different when they hit midlife.”

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Toni Reece: Thank you so much, Evelyn, for agreeing to be part of the Project today, and before we begin, can you please introduce yourself?

Evelyn Kalinosky: Sure, good morning, Toni.  My name is Evelyn Kalinosky, and I am a newly charged entrepreneur, just started my business within the last six months, and am currently writing a book on women navigating in and through midlife.  and I really appreciate the opportunity to be with you today.

Toni: Well absolutely!  So Evelyn, when you think about that word inspiration, who do you think you inspire and how do you do that?

Evelyn: You know, I thought about that; that’s a very good question.  Actually, I try to be an inspiration to everyone and not out of any sense of ego but because honestly I believe that’s a responsibility we have as citizens of this world.

So for me, just going out into the world on a day-to-day basis and trying to be the kind of person that … being a complete person, so not just showing people the positive, not just giving people the impression that in order to be seen as inspirational that they have to be always positive and upbeat and things like that, but that it’s important to show both the positive and negative parts of ourselves when necessary so that they don’t feel unwanted pressure to always be “on” and always be positive and perfect.  I think that’s really important.

Sometimes people need to let themselves feel lousy, to feel the lumps that life has given them, and the trick is not to wallow in it or become stuck, but to feel it, acknowledge it, and move on.  And I try to be inspirational in that regard.

Toni: Now when you are doing the work that you do, or even in the relationships that you build, is this something that you really think is a conscious thought that you’re going through to say, to almost … I don’t know, maybe lead by example and to be positive, but to balance that positive and negative.  Do you find yourself doing that in all relationships?

Evelyn: You know, I think so.  And for me it’s been a learning process, and it’s been a work in process because the very thing that I’m trying to do now in terms of, you know, leading by example by being a more complete person is quite honestly not something that I had done in my past.

I think in a lot of ways I put up walls for people, because I always tried to come across as someone who has their stuff together all the time, and I thought that was doing people a service and that that’s what people needed to see in order to be inspired.  And then I realized that really that that’s not the answer, because sometimes it can seem like it’s a goal that’s too lofty and not reachable.  So I’ve been over the years learning how to be more human, to be more fully human, and to me there’s nothing more inspirational than someone who is fully human and embracing both the good and the bad in themselves, so I do think it’s something I bring to all my relationships.

Toni: Now how do you think being that way — walking that journey and path with someone — how does that help people to explore their own potential?

Evelyn: Well, I think first off it gives them a sense of freedom.  Hopefully, they come from a place of “I’m okay right now, warts and all,” you know?  Not to say that we don’t all have things that we need to, I think, constantly balance and look at — and I’m a firm believer that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses just depending on how we, you know, choose to use those and in what instance — but I think really by being that way and by using empathy, it allows people to feel heard and to feel appreciated and respected.  It allows them the freedom to kind of go into themselves and explore who they are and what they are, what serves them well, what perhaps does not.

You know, I work in coaching and I work with high-level executive women — so these are women leading very complex lives as are we all — and they have so many things that they need to be delivering all the time.  So I think anytime I can give someone sort of that freedom to just let their hair down and explore who they are, I think that’s critical.

Also, by doing this you suspend judgment.  And when people don’t feel like they’re being judged, it really opens them up to do a thorough exploration of themselves and to find out, you know, more about the kind of person they want to be and the journey they want to take.  So I’m more the passenger in their journey, and they’re the driver.

Toni: It reminds me, Evelyn, of what you do is similar to almost turning … when people are struggling or they don’t feel something, that it almost is just … it stays as dinner conversation and it’s a … what is the … it’s like an anecdote that they’re relating, and what you’re saying is turn that anecdote into an actual feeling statement.  Feel it, react to it, so you can move from it.  That’s what I’m hearing you do.

Evelyn: I think that’s true, and also I think so many of us are bound by self-limiting beliefs.  And one of the things that I try to do with myself but also with my friends or my clients is to really help people question those beliefs, to really … I think it’s Byron Katie’s work, and she talks very much about, you know, “Is this true?”  You know, every time you think a thought, ask yourself that question.  “Is this really true?  Is it true for me?  Perhaps it was true at one point, but does it serve me any longer?  Does it apply today?”

Because who we were 20, 10, five years ago is not necessarily who we are now with all the new experiences and things that we’ve had in our lives.  So oftentimes if you take those shackles off and allow yourself to explore the possibility that you are no longer those things, it really does open a channel, and I’ve seen so many … well the women I work with, I’ve seen so many of them be able then to go off in a direction that perhaps they’ve always wanted to go in but did not feel that they could because of something maybe their parents … you know, something from their childhood.  There was an expectation that they couldn’t do something or weren’t capable of doing something.  Whatever the reason might be, I think that’s something that really gets in all of our ways.

Toni: So, Evelyn, what inspires you?

Evelyn: What inspires me is … well, I try to find inspiration honestly in everything around me.  It’s part of my gratitude.  I keep a gratitude journal, so every day and sometimes in every moment I’m trying to find the positive and the inspirational in things.

And people’s stories are something that truly inspires me and, as a writer, I suppose that’s not surprising, but I draw enormous inspiration and support and strength from listening to other people’s journeys, especially those who haven’t necessarily taken a linear path — maybe that’s because I can relate to that because I myself haven’t taken a linear path — and those who have stumbled and those who have struggled, and just the way that they’ve been able to circumvent some of those things that could have just left them devastated.  And they’ve managed to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes and create a wonderful life for themselves and for others, and I draw enormous inspiration from that.

So people’s stories, children, you know … that might seem like a cliché, but I think children are tremendously inspirational.  Being a grandmother now and having an 11-month-old granddaughter, just watching her and seeing all the possibilities, just … I feel 20 years younger every time I’m around her.

The outdoors, mountains, things like that … I’m really drawn by the sheer magnitude of the world around us, the physical world around us, and I draw a lot of inspiration from that.

Toni: When you speak about what inspires you and that it’s other people’s stories and, you know, going through adversity and so forth, do you find yourself sharing then your journey by listening to other people’s stories and challenges and adversity that they’ve been through and that they’ve made it, and it wasn’t, you know, very easy but they did it?  Does that give you then permission to speak of your own journey?

Evelyn: You know, I think so, Toni, but I also think again it goes back to my … you know, I guess the way I was raised is that you really didn’t talk about yourself, and you especially didn’t let other people know that if you were struggling or if you were going through a particular challenge.  One, because you really didn’t want to burden other people with your problems and, two, it was considered selfish.

As I’ve matured and gotten older, I realized that to me it’s actually the opposite, that it’s more of a burden to other people if you … and it keeps you removed.  It keeps you from connecting to other people if you’re not willing to share your own struggles and so, yes, by hearing what other people go through, it gives me the courage and the permission to share my own.

But what I’ve also found is by sharing my own, I’m actually being able to give that same gift to somebody else, and so it’s this reciprocal, continual circle of life that happens and, you know, I just think we all draw strengths from each other when we can do that.

Toni: Was there a turning point for you that you thought “You know what?  Enough now, I’m going to start sharing who I really am and not keeping things to the vest as much as you might have,” or was that a process?

Evelyn: You know, it’s funny you use the word turning point, because that’s something I use in the work that I do.  I’m always talking to my clients about the defining moments, the turning points in their lives, and even though I think everything in a way is a process, this particular thing was a pretty defining moment for me.

Again, it might sound like a cliché to say that I became seriously ill and that was a wake-up call, but a few years ago when that happened, you know, it really … I think whatever higher power you choose to believe in, for me it was … that was a wake-up call to me that I needed to change the way I was living my life and the way I was relating to people, and that if I was going to get through this — something that was going to be chronic and ongoing — that I needed to find a way to be open and honest about what was happening to me, and that, you know, there would be days when I didn’t feel very well

And what was the point of putting on a happy face and pretending everything was fine all the time?  So that really forced me into … much more quickly changing what could have been a longer process, and it’s been one of … I consider it a blessing.  It’s been one of the best things that’s happened to me, being able to do that.

Toni: It almost sounds as though when you opened up to that, I’ll bet you there were a whole bunch of people that walked in.

Evelyn: Yes; and interestingly enough, some walked out.  And that’s okay, too, because sometimes when people have known you as a certain person or a certain way for a long time and you begin to change and you begin to grow, you know, there’s discomfort in that.  People are out of balance.  A lot of people don’t like change.

They don’t know what to do when you start to share, where before you were always the one who was strong and taking care of everyone else.  That’s okay because, you know, they need to go and do what they need to do, and it opens the door and allows those people to come into your life who are able to handle both the good and the bad.

Toni: Gosh, I know that I call that actually the superman or superwoman theory, and once the superwoman or superman takes off that suit, I may not recognize that person underneath there, and so that shock may cause me to walk away, and so yeah, that was a great point.

So, Evelyn, what do you do then to explore your own potential, to take all of this that you’re doing and you’ve been through and where you’re heading and the work that you’re doing, how do you continuously explore that potential in yourself?

Evelyn: Well, I’m naturally a learner.  You know, if you were to say one of my traits, it’s that I’m continuously learning, continuously exploring — in some ways, you know, the professional student.  But I’m always asking that question, and I’m always looking deeper and deeper and never truly feeling, like, that I’m done, that, you know, who I can grow to become is finished.

I think that we’re all a work in progress until the day we leave this world, and so part of that includes finding different ways to be inspirational and to draw inspiration to you and from you.  So I do a lot of writing.  I do a lot of journaling.  Again, I do a lot of talking with people and learning about who they are and what they are and taking those stories and writing them and being able to share those with other people so, you know, again that just …That kind of helps to feed me and feed the process for me.

Toni: What a wonderful, wonderful way that you have given during this interview to bring to life that phrase and quote “We teach what we need to learn.”

Evelyn: It’s true.

Toni: And you’ve absolutely demonstrated that not only in how you inspire others and help them to feel safe so that they can feel, actually feel, be aware and move forward, but you’ve also done the same.  And you’re continuing to do that by exploring your own potential so that you can feed that forward; and what a wonderful example of that you’ve given.

Evelyn: You know, part of it too, Toni, is that I’m 51 years old and, you know, when I turned 50 it was a watershed moment for me.  Because for a woman — and a woman in the United States — to be over a certain age, we’re supposed to feel like our life is over, you know, that’s the message from … the external message, but I know that I didn’t feel that way.  And I began to talk to other women, and what I discovered is very, very few of us in that age group feel that way and that, for most of us, hitting midlife is like a do-over.

It’s an opportunity to really re-examine our lives and let go of the stuff that just doesn’t suit us any longer, and just … I’m at a point in my life now where probably the first time ever I’m ready to explode out into this world.

And it’s sort of ironic that at the time that I feel most confident and most ready to be out there in the world, there’s certain media and other messages that kind of say “Well, you know, we don’t really want you.”  There’s that invisibility factor.  And what I’m discovering is that we won’t allow ourselves to become invisible and, by doing that, I think we’re going to pave the way for our younger generation of women.  We’ll be trailblazers to help life for them be a lot different when they hit midlife.

Toni: I could not agree with you more.  Absolutely, Evelyn, and I hope that you just absolutely keep exploding and, seriously, just we wish you the best of luck.  And thank you for being so honest and open during the interview, and we will post how people can find you or learn about you or maybe read some of the things that you’ve written at the bottom of this interview.

Evelyn: Perfect, thank you.

Toni: So thank you so very, very much, Evelyn, for being part of the Project.

Evelyn: It’s a wonderful thing that you’re doing, and I very much appreciate and feel honored to be part of it.  Thank you.

Toni: Thank you, and take care of yourself.

Evelyn: Will do.

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For more information about Evelyn Kalinosky:  www.evelynkalinosky.com

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